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Adult Humor 1

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.

About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer he asked the bird if it had learned its lesson. The parrot said "I sure did.  By the way, what the fuck did that turkey do?"

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
A: An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

This cowboy is taking a herd of horses to market. After dropping them off he is very hungry and decided to stop and eat. The town is very small and there is only one diner. He walks in and finds only one seat is left. It is next to a nice looking, obviously wealthy young lady. The cowboy sits down in the seat next to her.

The waiter comes by and asks the woman if she was ready to order.
She replied: "Yes, I would like the breast of fowl. Virgin fowl. Make sure the bird is a virgin. In fact why don't you catch the bird yourself for me. I would like new potatoes, and garnish my plate with parsley. And I would like a cup of coffee, not to hot or not to cold, and if there is any foam on the coffee please scoop it off for me. And while you're at it, please open a window! I smell horse, there must be a cowboy in here.

Well, the cowboy was sitting right next to her, and he was very offended at that comment.

Shortly the waiter came back with the woman's coffee and asked the cowboy if he was ready to order.

He said "Yes, I would like the duck. Fucked duck. Fuck the bird yourself. Garnish my plate with horse shit and bring me a cup of coffee hotter that Texas mule piss and blow the foam off with a fart. And while you're up, knock out a wall. I smell cunt, there must be a whore in here.

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a woman's track team?
A: A tribe of pigmy's is a cunning bunch of runts.

Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

So he heads over to the sheep, pulls down his pants, and has his way with the poor animal. When he comes back to the golf cart he says to his friend "Hey, that felt pretty good. You want a turn?"

The second golfer replies "Hell yes!" and walks over and puts his head in the fence.

This redneck calls home from the hospital and says "Honey, I've got some bad news. I cut off my finger at work."
His wife asks "The whole finger?"
The redneck replies "No, the one next to it"

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."


Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Your dog is barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's banging on the front door wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through that?"

Q. What does a drunk walrus and woman at a Tupperware party have in common?
A. They're both out looking for a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
A. Your wife blows your paycheck!

Q. What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do cowboy hats and hemorrhoids have in common?
A. Sooner or later, every asshole gets one.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo game.

Q. Did you hear about the priest that went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!





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