Jokes, Quotes, and Wisdom
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel
in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a
woman at a Tupperware party?
A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home
just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly
coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would
think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied,
"Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new
cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it
cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four
more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
two more times and then started giggling."
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after
a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in
the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a
month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character.
He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley
said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,
and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached
by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were
celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and
the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his
impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer???
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of
them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is
weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife
fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due
to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of
beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is.
Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2
pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom
is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3
pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when
the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom
is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest
part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in
circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice
breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of
minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says
"You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says
the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for
years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on
the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of
her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor
old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between
sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to
the men's room.
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To
test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then
observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to
apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and
who is just stupid."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that
wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will
be to drink beer." Dave Barry
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too
much vermouth." Steve Allen
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
fools." Ernest Hemmingway
"If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar
with a mirror." John Mooney
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver."
"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm
thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis
"I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who
are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two."
Thanks to 2000 World Funny Car Champion Scott
Weney, who sent me these quotes