A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a
plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when
the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn
you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of."
The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass
of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two
glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.
So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is
holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two
glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not
that Guinness sewage!"
The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but
remember the German will get twice what you wish for."
The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over
there? Beat me half to death with it."
this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little
friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun
out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped
back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he
With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and
asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and
retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in
Africa and you called that witch-doctor an asshole."
Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
young married Dublin couple enjoyed a full sex life and the woman
became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of
But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just
sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge
bouquet of flowers.
"They're lovely," she said before adding suspiciously,
"I suppose you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs
"Why?" said the husband, puzzled? "Don't we have a vase anymore?"
Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled, " the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get
to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The
first Irishman says "Wasn't that old Paddy O'Tool? The second Irishman
says "I thought he was taller than that!"
small boy got lost at the FAI cup final game.
He went up to a Guard and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically.
"Beer and women," said the boy.
young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Mom says when you croak we can have this house"
Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the
Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and
said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on
the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're
right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just
watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."