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Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Rabbi Rabinovitz  answers his phone.
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

A bum who walks up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
"Force yourself," she replied.

Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
'Is ANYTHING all right?'

Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the synagogue offices?
They got away with over 2 thousand dollars in pledges!

Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"




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