big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the
UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the
Scottish Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the
city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a
couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and
he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the
empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was
unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman
asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used
the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking
at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first
boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does
your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a
lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied
guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a
divorce lawyer," the man replies.
man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from
serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them
worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am
prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the
blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said
'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box,
you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you
write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have
rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat
up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have
a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not,
as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked
him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy
real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The
lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was
eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an
eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door
with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew
that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be
the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he
exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am,
but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA!
Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your
possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing
did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and
exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The
next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to
my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your
lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I
want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says,
"but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last
week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love
attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks
by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like
to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of
engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an
engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got
an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back
up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah
right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking
the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people
from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he
went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels
a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer
turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a
chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in
front of me, do you?"
man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for
this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at
this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all
clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No,
we came to make sure he was dead."
elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options
with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The
first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile
accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank
or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful
transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's
heart. "It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that
hadn't been used."
local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they
appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to
answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor
and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after
hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The
Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and
say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had
just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him
through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very
heavy voice, "Name them!".
heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend his next holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl
pregnant and those people haven't stopped talking about it since!
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking
through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with
his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns
and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and
they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action.
The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.
The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to
stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer
and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'